And we forgot the mother of the boyfriend!!!

It has been a few days since a young pretty girl committed suicide. I am not even saying an actress because even that is secondary. She was just a young pretty girl.

A lot has been reported since starting with her frustrations over an almost non-existent career, her boyfriend with whom (maybe) she was living with, her five page suicide note, her boyfriend's father's notorious past and so on.

A lot of blame game has been played - she herself because she should have known better or sought help, her boyfriend whom she apparently loved and who did not reciprocate - how could he not?, her mother who should have taught her better than to take her own life, boyfriend's father - like father like son etc.

I read her suicide note.

It talks of physical and mental abuse. I do not know the law well so I cannot comment on if it is valid proof as abetment to suicide or not. 

But if the abuse part is true, more than the boyfriend, I blame his mother. Look at the example she set for her son. She married the father in 1986 almost 27 years ago. The father in question has had numerous affairs, a high profile live-in relationship, a history of violence towards women and more. All this while he was still married. Did the mother ever say anything against the husband? Did she walk out of the marriage that was crumpling her worth and causing her mental trauma? 

No. And that for me is her fault in making her son what he is. The mother just by overlooking and accepting all this gave the message to her son that it is okay for men to behave like this, have affairs, not commit to marriage, hit women. Had she walked out of the marriage for all the trauma he gave her or stood up for herself she may have taught her son better. That women are to be respected, not to be physically or mentally hurt, that they are not to be used and thrown and that they have feelings too.

Who knows how the son would have turned out to be but I can bet he would have been more sensitive towards the women in his life.

Children very often role model themselves on what they see their parents doing, how they respect each other, what they compromise upon, what they stand up for and what they choose to ignore in their own relationship. The seeds for a child's any future relationship are laid when you least expect them to be - in the early childhood.

Stop The Shame

Usually I am the kind of the person who is eager to learn new things, positive about life, enjoys good conversations, has a great time with friends and family and above all happy and fun to be with.

But then there have been few times when none of the above has applied to me. Times when I did not know how to handle some people, the emotions they stirred up in me, and even me. The only thing I was aware of was that I needed to talk to someone and sort it before it started to impact my daily life. 

So at that point did I give a damn about what people would think or say? Will my family and friends judge me? Will i be considered an outcast at social gatherings?

NO. And that made all the difference.

I spoke to a few of my very close friends about it. I also sought professional help and shared all about how I was feeling. The platform was much needed and very useful. I learnt how to identify my feelings, what to do with them, learnt more effective ways of handling my feelings and better coping strategies. AND IT MADE A LIFE CHANGING DIFFERENCE.

It has been many years since and of course I still do slip up at times but somewhere I know I am in control. I am more aware. And I have trusted and helpful people whom I can call in times of crisis.

I write this because I know and see people who want to seek help but unable to do so due to lack of support from family and friends. Some are bothered about how they will be judged. Some are worried that family and friends are going to talk about their inadequacies. My only suggestion to them is that it is your life and you have to take charge of it. Behind the happy and rosy pictures of your close ones you have no idea what they go through when they are feeling down. And believe me they feel low too at some point or the other. 

I also write this because it is high time we brought more openness to issues of Mental Health.

I also write this because IF I CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU.

I write this because I want people to STOP THE SHAME that they attach to people who seek help and are fighting against something that they have no control on. Be proud of their efforts and support them. 

Because you never know one day you yourself could be on that couch needing help!!!

Do you know your coffee?

Facebook and your Parents...

Love it or hate it, your parents are probably on Facebook to stay...





(from - http://www.onlineeducation.net/2013/01/21/facebooking-your-parent)

Five most common regrets that people have...

(From a nurse's diary)

When questioned about any regrets people had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. 

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what  others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

If I had a son…

I would have given my son no different treatment than my daughters. Same chores. Same freedom. Same rules. Same reprimands…

I would teach him to share equal responsibility at home. In the kitchen. Doing laundry. Cleaning…

I would not hesitate to talk to him about sex and associated topics.

I would have talked to him about gender respect. Told him that it is not okay look at a girl’s breasts while talking to them. Told him that he too has an extra piece of flesh between his legs just like females have on the chest. 

Told him that it is not okay to use words like ‘cheez’ ‘maal’ etc while talking about girls. 

Told him that if it is okay for males to drink and smoke it is the same for females. Does not make them cheap or available. 

Told him that no matter what clothes she is wearing it is her choice. Just like how so many males wear the all revealing dhotis and ganjis and swimming trunks and half their briefs with their low waisted jeans.

Told him not to let his friends do the same. Stop friends from using sexist abuses in day to day conversations.

Told him that a female has a wonderful brain too besides a vagina and breasts. And to pay attention to that.

The list is endless. And I do not have a son.

I have two wonderful strong opinionated daughters who constantly keep these issues alive where ever they are and whatever way they can. In discussions with family and friends and domestic help. By their presence at protest marches. By reading and sharing articles. By standing up against any kind of injustice.  By just being what they are. And I am very proud of them.

I have a tattoo ...

I HAVE A TATTOO, so I MUST be a delinquent.

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser

I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be smart.

I'm an ATHEIST, so I MUST hate the world.

I'm a GIRL, so I MUST be over-dramatic.

I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.

I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth.

I KISSED OTHER FEMALES, so I MUST be a lesbian.

I'm HAVE BEEN IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP, so I MUST be easy.

I fell in love WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.

I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.

I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.

I DON'T HAVE A RELIGION, so I MUST not have morals.

I HANG OUT WITH STONERS, so I MUST smoke and drink too.

I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be a bitch.

I'm INTELLIGENT, so I MUST be weak.

I CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT, so I MUST be a tree hugging hippy.

I'm PAGAN, so I MUST worship Satan.

I LIKE TO READ A LOT, so I MUST be a loner.

I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.

I DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND, so I MUST be lesbian.

I'm a PERSON, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.

I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED.

 
(anonymous)