Rape is the responsibility of the rapist alone...

Rape exists, in part, because society continues to support most myths which condone the act itself and place the blame and responsibility upon the victim. These attitudes can be seen in our literature, religions, laws, music, science, advertising, and daily conversation - all aspects of our culture. Listed below are some common myths/misconceptions, followed by a factual response... 

Myth: Rape is an act of sexual gratification. The victim is irresistible to the rapist.

Fact: Rape is an act of violence, not of sexual desire. It is a life-threatening experience. Also, one important emotional payoff for the rapist is to be in control, not out of control. The primary motive displayed by most convicted rapist is aggression, dominance, and anger, NOT sex. Sex is used as a weapon to inflict violence, humiliation, and conquest on a victim. While sexual attraction may be influential, power, control and anger are the primary motives. Most rapists have access to a sexual partner. Gratification comes from gaining power and control and discharging anger. This gratification is only temporary, so the rapist seeks another victim.

Myth: Rape is not a serious problem in our country.

Fact: Rape is the  fastest-growing and most under reported crime. Over "one-third" of all women in this country will be sexually assaulted or abused in their lifetime. Only about 1 in 10 rapes of adults is reported, and fewer assaults of children are reported.

Myth: Sexual assault is an impulsive, uncontrollable act of passion.

Fact: The majority of rapes are planned: the place arranged, enticement used, or the victim deliberately sought and coerced into sexual relations. It is the vulnerability of the victim that attracts the sexual predator. 90% of group rapes are planned. 58% of single rapes are planned. 75% of all rapes are planned. Practically every word of this myth can be converted by facts. Impulsive, controllable; as seen above, a majority of rapes are planned. Victims range from infants to the elderly. Anyone, regardless of age, sex, physical appearance, marital status, ethnic, religious or socio-economic background can be raped.

Myth: Good people don't get raped. Only bad people get raped.

Fact: Rapist and other sex offenders attack people of all races, ages, social backgrounds, and all moral persuasions. Yet many people believe in this myth. It serves as a defense mechanism for them. People feel safer if they believe that something that the victim did, or some way the victim lived, provoked the attack. Therefore, if they continue to live and act circumspectly, nothing bad will happen to them. This is, perhaps, one of the most dangerous myths anybody can believe. Most rapists choose their targets without regard to physical appearance or lifestyle. Victims are of every type, race, and socio-economic class, young and old alike. . If one believes that the victim was responsible because she put herself in an unsafe position, such as being out late at night, drinking alcohol, dressing in a certain way, or "leading on" the rapist, then we are able to feel safer because "we wouldn't do those things." But, the basic fact remains that without consent, no means no, no matter what the situation or circumstances.

Myth: Women provoke rape by the way they dress, "they ask for it."

Fact: No woman's dress or behavior gives someone the right to sexually assault her. According to the Federal Commission on Crimes of Violence, only 4% of the reported sexual assaults involved any participative behavior by the victim, and most of this consisted of nothing more than dressing or walking in a way that is socially defined as attractive. Even in a situation where a woman is flirtatious or clearly interested in sex, she is not asking for rape. Rape in an attack in which the victim's life is controlled by the attacker. No person asks for or deserves such an assault. A hitchhiker is asking for a ride, not a violent attack. Part of the problem also lies in the interpretation men put on women's behavior. When women are cheerful and friendly, which they have been taught to be, some men interpret this as a "come-on." Again, this myth forms a part of the "good woman's" defense against a sense of vulnerability.

Myth: Sexual assault is provoked by the victim. Victims ask for it by their actions or behaviors.

Fact: To say that someone wants to be raped is the same as saying that people ask to be mugged or robbed. In fact, most rapes are at least partially planned in advance and the victim is often threatened with death or bodily harm if he or she resists. Sexual assault is not a spontaneous crime of sexual passion. It is a violent attack on an individual using sex as a weapon. Sex is used to defile, degrade and destroy a victim’s will and control over his or her own body. For the victim, it is a humiliating, near death situation. No person would ask for or deserve such an attack.

Myth: Sexual assault occurs only in large cities.

Fact: Rapes have been reported all across the country -- in large cities and small towns. While more sexual assaults occur in large cities, this is due solely to a greater population. Victims who live in rural areas may not have the same anonymity in a small town and access to services that she would have in a larger community. Survivors of sexual violence in these communities may therefore be less likely to tell anyone, report it to the police or seek support.

Myth: Women are sexually assaulted when they are out alone at night. If women stay home they will be safe.

Fact: Studies show that the majority of sexual assaults are committed in either the victim’s home or the offender’s home.

Myth: Most rapists hide in dark alleys, waiting for a stranger to walk past.

Fact: The majority of reported rapes occur either in the victim’s home or the home of the attacker. In many cases, the victim met the offender in a public place and then was coerced into accompanying the rapist to the place of the assault. Most rape victims know their attacker at least casually. In many cases, offenders were well known to the victim and were in relationships that one would normally trust, i.e. boyfriend, family friend, close neighbor or relative.

Myth: Most rapists are poor.

Fact: Rape crosses all class lines. People have been raped by doctors, lawyers, police officers, and other authority figures. Because of their social and financial positions, these offenders are seldom prosecuted for the acts of violence, and their actions are seldom publicized.

Myth: No person can be sexually assaulted against his or her will.

Fact: Rape is a crime of violence, not sexual passion. In many cases, some type of force is used, such as choking, beating, roughness, or use of a weapon. Often, the victim is threatened with death if he or she resists. Confronted with the fear of being beaten or killed, many victims do not attempt to fight an attacker. While a victim may not resist an  attack due to socialization and fear of violence, this lack of resistance should not be equated with consent for the attack. Many mugging victims hand over their wallets willingly to maintain their safety, but they did not ask to be mugged.

Myth: Most rapes are reported by women who “change their minds” afterwards or who want to “get even” with a man.

Fact: Statistics show that only 3% of rape calls are false reports. This is the same false-report rate that is usual for other kinds of felonies.

Myth: Women have rape fantasies and secretly desire rape. If you are going to be raped, you might as well relax and enjoy it.

Fact: When people have sexual fantasies of seduction, they choose the circumstances and characteristics of their seducer. They are in control. In rape, the victim is never in control. There is a big difference between fantasy and reality. Rape is neither relaxing nor enjoyable. Again, victims often submit without struggle due to fear of physical force, or because the assailant is armed with a deadly weapon. Victims’ responses to rape reflect the violence and intense trauma of the event. After being raped: 42% reported feeling afraid of men, 28% said it affected their sex lives, 27% felt less independent or more afraid of being on their own, 28% said it damaged their trust in male-female relationships, 18% felt worthless or lost self-respect, 17% felt hostile toward men, 10% sustained physical injuries, 7% reported suicidal impulses, 5% suffered nightmares.

Myth: Rapists are crazy, deranged, abnormal perverts. They are lonely men without female partnership.

Fact: Rape is not a crime of spontaneous passion. Studies show that 60 to 70% of all sexual assaults are planned. Most rapists are married and having consensual sexual relations while assaulting other women. A rapist can be anyone: doctor, policeman, clergyman, social worker or corporate president.

Myth: Men cannot be raped.

Fact: Sexual assault, no matter the gender of the perpetrator or victim, is a form of violence where sex is used to demean and humiliate another person. Current statistics indicate that one in six men are sexually assaulted or abused in their lifetime. Typically, the perpetrator is a heterosexual male. Sexual assault of males is thought to be greatly under-reported.

Myth: There is a "right way" to respond to a rape situation.

Fact: Since rape is life-threatening and each rapist has his own pattern, the best thing a victim can do is follow her instincts and observe any cues from the rapist. If the victim escapes alive she has done the right thing.

Myth: A victim should be discouraged from dwelling on the rape. She should "forget it".

Fact: This advice generally comes from people who are more concerned with their own feelings than the victim's. All victims should be offered the opportunity to talk about the assault with those personally close to them and knowledgeable professionals. Victims who are not allowed to talk about the rape have a much more difficult time recovering from it.

Myth: Incest is rare.

Fact: Incest is common and happens in every community. An estimated 77% of reported sexual abusers are parents (57% of the total being natural parents), 16% are other relatives, and 6% are non-related. In addition, males are reported to be the abusers in 60 to 95% of cases.

Myth: Sexual assaults are rare deviations and affect few people. After all, no one I know has been raped.

Fact: Sexual assaults are very common. Most likely, someone close to you has been profoundly affected by sexual assault. Not only are victims reluctant to discuss their assaults but many succeed in totally blocking the assault from conscious memory. However, the trauma remains and may come to the surface at another crisis or when the opportunity to discuss it with a sympathetic person arises.

               

Myth: You can tell a rapist by the way he looks.

Fact: Rapists are not physically identifiable. They may appear friendly, normal, and non-threatening. Many are young, married and have children. Rapist types and traits however can be categorized.

Myth: A man can't rape his wife.

Fact: The idea that a man can't rape his wife suggests that married women do not have the same right to safety as do unmarried women. Some women do experience some form of sexual abuse within their marriage. 

Myth: Rape is just unwanted sex and isn't really a violent crime.

Fact: Rape is a lot more than unwanted sex, it is a violent crime. Many rapists carry a weapon and threaten the victim with violence or death.

Myth: Rape only occurs outside and at night. If people stay at home, then they will be safer.

Fact: Rape can and does occur anytime and anyplace. Many rapes occur during the day and in the victims' homes.

Myth: Rape only happens to young attractive women.

Fact: Rape can and does strike anyone at anytime. Age, social class, ethnic group and has no bearing on the person a rapist chooses to attack. Research data clearly proves that a way a woman dresses and / or acts does not influence the rapists choice of victims. His decision to rape is based on how easily he perceives his target can be intimidated. Rapists are looking for available and vulnerable targets.

Myth: Most rapists only rape one time.

Fact:  Most rapists rape again, and again, and again - until caught.

Myth: If the assailant, victim, or both are drunk, the assailant cannot be charged with rape.

Fact: Forcing sex on someone who is too drunk to give consent is second degree rape. Rape is a crime. People who commit crimes while under the influence of alcohol or drugs are not considered free from guilt. Sexual assault survivors are never responsible for the attack, no matter what, no matter how much alcohol was consumed. Responsibility lies with the perpetrator; the survivor is never responsible for the assailant's behavior. Alcohol may increase the risk of sexual assault, and may make someone incapable of giving consent or protecting themselves, but it is not the cause of the assault.

Myth: Women who are drunk are willing to engage in any kind of sexual activity.

Fact: The fact that a woman has been drinking does not imply consent. Alcohol and drugs can only render a woman incapable of consent.

Myth: Rape is a minor crime affecting only a few women.

Fact: It is estimated that 1 in 8 women will be raped in her lifetime. Because of low reporting rates, it is not known how many adult men are assaulted. It is also estimated that 1 out of every 4 girls, and 1 out of every 8 boys are sexually assaulted in some way before they reach adulthood. Rape is the most frequently committed violent crime in this country.

Myth: Gang rape is rare.

Fact: In 43% of all reported cases, more than one assailant was involved.

Myth: It's not rape if the couple is dating.
Fact: Unwanted sexual activity in any relationship qualifies as sexual assault.

Myth: Rapists have psychological problems.
Fact: Most assailants are males with no history of mental disorder.

Myth: If the victim didn't fight or try to run away, or there was no weapon or injuries sustained, rape did not occur.
Fact: Threats of violence are a weapon, and a woman may not resist vigorously for fear of injury or death.

Myth: Only certain kinds of people get raped. It cannot happen to me.

Fact: Rapists act without considering their victim's physical appearance, dress, age, race, gender, or social status. Assailants seek out victims who they perceive to be vulnerable, from infancy to ninety-two years of age and from all racial and socioeconomic backgrounds.

http://www.domesticviolenceservices.com/rapemythsandfacts.html

http://www.stanford.edu/group/svab/myths.shtml

http://www.rwu.edu/campus-life/health-counseling/counseling-center/sexual-assault/rape-myths-and-facts

 

Help your child learn to read...

Why is it important for my child to read?

 

The ability to read is vital. It paves the way to success in school, which can build self-confidence and motivate your child to set high expectations for life. People read for many reasons:

·         for pleasure and interest

·         for work

·         to obtain information that will help them make choices and decisions

·         to understand directions (such as those on street signs and in recipe books)

·         to learn about the world

·         to keep in touch with family and friends

 

How will my child learn to read?

Learning to read does not happen all at once. It involves a series of stages that lead, over time, to independent reading and to fluency.

The best time for children to start learning to read is when they are very young, usually at the preschool level. This is when they are best able to start developing basic reading skills. The stages involved in learning to read are listed below.

1.      The pre-reader and the beginning reader:

·         likes to look at books and likes to be read to

·         likes to behave like a reader – for example, holds books and pretends to read them

·         learns about words by looking at picture books and playing with blocks that have letters on them, magnetic letters, and so on

·         learns about words from songs, rhymes, traffic signs, and logos on packages of food

·         learns how text works – for example, where a story starts and finishes and which way the print proceeds

·         begins to understand that his or her own thoughts can be put into print

·         uses pictures and memory to tell and retell a story

 

2.  The emerging reader:

·         is ready to receive instructions about reading

·         learns that text is a common way to tell a story or to convey information

·         begins to match written words to spoken words and to perceive relationships between sounds and letters

·         begins to experiment with reading, and is willing to try to say words out loud when reading simple texts

·         finds the pictures helpful in understanding the text, and learns that the words convey a message consistent with the pictures

 

3.  The early reader:

·         develops more confidence and uses a variety of methods, such as relying on visual cues, to identify words in texts

·         adapts his or her reading to different kinds of texts

·         recognizes many words, knows a lot about reading, and is willing to try new texts

 

4.  The fluent reader:

·         thinks of reading as a good thing and does it automatically

·         uses a variety of methods to identify words and their meanings

·         can read various kinds of texts and predict events in a story

·         relates the meaning of books to his or her own experience and knowledge, and understands what is new

It takes time to pass through each of these stages, and your child will need plenty of attention and support as he or she moves through them. You can play a leading role in helping your child acquire the reading skills he or she needs to succeed!

 

How can I help my child?

As a parent, you are your child's first and most important teacher. When you help your child learn to read, you are opening the door to a world of books and learning.

Reading aloud to children is the best way to get them interested in reading. Before long they will grow to love stories and books. Eventually they will want to read on their own.

With the help of parents, children can learn how to read and can practise reading until they can read for their own enjoyment. Then they will have a whole world of information and knowledge at their fingertips!

Reading can be a family activity. Spending time with word games, stories, and books will help your child to:

·         gather information and learn about the world

·         learn how stories and books work – that they have beginnings, endings, characters, and themes

·         build a rich vocabulary by reading and talking about new words

·         learn how to listen and how to think

·         learn the sounds of language and language patterns

·         fall in love with books

It's natural to want to compare your child's reading abilities with those of other children of the same age, but not all children develop reading skills at the same pace. What's important is that you are aware of your child's reading level so that you can choose books and activities that will help him or her improve. Use the tips in this guide and work with your child's teacher and others to improve your child's reading skills.

 

What tips can I use to help my child learn to read?

 

Tip 1 –  Talk to Your Child

Oral language is the foundation for reading. Listening and speaking are a child's first introduction to language. Talking and singing teach your child the sounds of language, making it easier for him or her to learn how to read. 

Here are some things you can do to help your child build an appreciation for words and language:

·         Tell family stories about yourself, your child's grandparents, and other relatives.

·         Talk to your child as much as possible about things you are doing and thinking.

·         Ask your child lots of questions.

·         Encourage your child to tell you what he or she thinks or feels.

·         Ask your child to tell you about his or her day – about activities and games played.

·         Be patient! Give your child time to find the words he or she wants to use.

·         Sing songs, such as the alphabet song, and recite nursery rhymes, encouraging your child to join in.

·         Play rhyming and riddle games.

 

Tip 2 –  Make Reading Fun

 

Reading aloud can be a lot of fun, not just for parents but for all family members. Here are some ways to get the most out of reading to your young child:

·         Read with drama and excitement! Use different voices for different characters in the story. Use your child's name instead of a character's name. Make puppets and use them to act out a story.

·         Re-read your child's favourite stories as many times as your child wants to hear them, and choose books and authors that your child enjoys.

·         Read stories that have repetitive parts and encourage your child to join in.

·         Point to words as you read them. This will help your child make a connection between the words he or she hears you say and the words on the page.

·         Read all kinds of material – stories, poems, information books, magazine and newspaper articles, and comics.

·         Encourage relatives and friends to give your child books as gifts.

·         Take your child to the library and look at interactive CD-ROMs and the Internet, as well as books.

·         Subscribe to a magazine for your child. He or she will love receiving mail!

The more you enjoy reading experience, the more your child will enjoy it.

 

Tip 3 –  Read Every Day

Children love routine, and reading is something that you and your child can look forward to every day. By taking the time to read with your child, you show him or her that reading is important and fun to do.

Try to read with your child as often as possible. It's the best thing you can do to help him or her learn at school! It also allows you to spend time together in an enjoyable way and to build a strong and healthy relationship.

·         Start reading with your child when he or she is very young.

·         Set aside a special time each day when you can give your full attention to reading with your child.

·         Choose a comfortable spot to read, where you can be close to your child. Make it your "reading place"! Set aside a special shelf in that area for your child's books.

·         Choose a variety of books.

·         Vary the length of reading time according to your child's age and interests. For young children, several short sessions (of 10 minutes each) may be better than one long session (of 30 minutes).

·         Read slowly so that your child can form a mental picture of what is happening in the story.

·         Praise your child for his or her ideas and participation!

·         When you and your child are away from home, take along books, magazines, and books-on-tape for your child to read and listen to.

·         Keep reading to your child even after he or she has learned to read. By reading stories that will interest your child but that are above his or her reading level, you can stretch your child's understanding and keep alive the magic of shared reading.

 

Tip 4 –  Set an Example

As a parent, you are your child's most important role model. If your child sees you reading, especially for pleasure or information, he or she will understand that reading is a worthwhile activity. You can also share many daily reading activities with your child. Here are some ideas:

·         Read recipes, food labels, schedules, maps, instructions, and brochures.

·         Read traffic signs and signs in stores and restaurants.

·         Look up information in cookbooks, manuals, phone books, atlases, and dictionaries.

·         Read greeting cards, letters, and e-mail messages to and from relatives and friends.

 

Tip 5 –  Talk About Books

Talking about the books you read is just as important as reading them. Discussing a story or a book with your child helps your child understand it and connect it to his or her own experience of life. It also helps enrich your child's vocabulary with new words and phrases.

Here are some ways to help your child acquire skills in comprehension, reasoning, and critical thinking:

·         Ask your child about the kinds of books he or she would like to read.

·         Talk to your child about your favourite books from childhood, and offer to read them.

·         Encourage your child to ask questions and to comment on the story and pictures in a book – before, during, and after reading it.

·         Look at the cover and the title of a book with your child, and ask your child what he or she thinks might happen in the story.

·         Encourage your child to think critically about the story. Does he or she agree or disagree with the author? Why?

·         Think out loud about the story as you read, and encourage your child to do the same. For example, ask, "Does this make sense? Why or why not?"

·         Give your child time to think about the story, and then ask him or her about it again a few days later.

 

Tip 6 –  Listen to your child read

As your child learns to read, listen to him or her read aloud. Reading to you gives your child a chance to practise and to improve his or her reading skills.

As you listen to your child, remember that your reactions are important. Above all, listen without interrupting. Be enthusiastic and praise your child as often as you can. If possible, be specific with your praise so that your child knows what he or she is doing well.

·         Show your child that you are enjoying the story by indicating interest and by asking questions.

·         Give your child time to figure out tricky words, and show your child how he or she can learn from mistakes.

·         Try to have your child read aloud to you at times when there will be no interruptions.

·         Make sure that your child selects books that aren't too difficult. Don't worry if the books your child chooses are a little easier than the ones he or she reads at school.

·         Encourage your child to "listen" to his or her own reading. Listening will help him or her hear mistakes and try to fix them.

·         Take turns reading with your child, especially if he or she is just beginning to read, or try reading together.

·         Talk about a story after your child has read it, to make sure that he or she understands it.

 

Tip 7 –  Show that you value your child's efforts

Remember, your child needs to know that you value his or her efforts. Children learn to read over time, with lots of practice and support from parents and teachers.

Here are some ways you can show your child that you have confidence in his or her ability to learn:

·         Be aware of your child's reading level, but use that information in a positive way. Choose books and activities that are at the right level and that will help your child improve his or her reading skills.

·         Be patient and flexible in your efforts to help your child.

·         Show your child that you see him or her as a growing reader, and praise his or her efforts to learn.

(from : http://www.edu.gov.on.ca/eng/document/brochure/earlyreading/index.html)