No Second Chance

(I wrote this six years ago in October 2007)

It is true that not all relationships have a name. It is also true that most of the relationships that we spend our entire lives improving and caring about are the ones that we are born into. It is not very often that a person who has been known to us for a short period of time succeeds in forming a long and loving bond.

For me Bhavya is one such person. I still can very clearly recollect the first time I saw her… standing near the long and crowded corridor of the college with her mother, very bored and tired waiting for the never ending formalities for new admissions to the college to be over. In a group of students who were from the local community she stood apart in her faded jeans, a bright short top and an ‘I don’t give a damn attitude’.  I was standing in that line with my daughter who too was dressed identically. Both alien to the language and the process of the college but similar to each other. As had to happen, both got talking and in a short time I could see a sense of relief in both of them on having found each other.  While I was talking to Bhavya’s mom, both these girls had discussed their choice of subjects, favourite music, movies, cell numbers and other details that are so important to them at this age.

Not only were both of them in the same class, they also ended up sharing a room for the next year and a half. They had a lot in common which could keep them awake till two at night – discussing friends, watching downloads of latest serials on the computer, making packets of instant noodles, dissecting every page of cosmopolitan and other things which we adults can not comprehend. They had also found ways to tolerate each other over the issues in which they were poles apart. Sometimes they could be in the same room for hours and not talking to each other, each one absorbed in their own little world.

Being in Mumbai and closer to their college in Pune, many of their long weekends were spent at my place. Bhavya who came from Delhi was happy to find a home-like place where she too could come over and get her laundry done, eat home cooked food and just chill - things all youngsters long for when they live on their own. In fact I would joke with my daughter and call them a package deal – ek ke saath, ek free!

One Sunday in September when I got a call from Bhavya saying that she wasn't feeling too well, I told her to come over immediately. She came alone and straight away hit the bed. She complained of a very severe headache. I knew that she had been having headaches before and had reprimanded her many times to get herself tested for migraine and eyesight. Soon after the doctor came and gave her some painkillers and she slept. Next day she seemed better, had proper food to eat, checked her email and we both even watched an episode of ‘’Friends’ for the nth time. I had been in constant touch with her parents and even they seemed relieved that she was with me and not alone in her room in Pune.

I will never forget the next day and have replayed it a million times in my mind. She was feeling much worse by early evening and the doctor immediately suggested moving her to a hospital for a thorough check up. The wait for the ambulance was a long one and by the time it did come some forty-five minutes later she was in a lot of pain. I managed to keep calm while a thousand thoughts were reeling in my head – collected essentials like my credit card, called her parents and told them to come immediately, called my daughter who was waiting for Bhavya to get back to Pune. The doctors at the hospital were quick and efficient and within minutes they had her on the IV and wheeled her in for a Cat scan. I sat outside and went over the turn of events in my mind. What happened to her in just a day? How could a young energetic girl who had barely seen or done much in life be lying in a semi-conscious state?  Life had never seemed more unfair. Had I missed some sign? Should I have got her to the hospital on the first day itself? But then my rational mind told me that there were no apparent signs at that time which could have caused me to panic. After all most of us have had headaches and even a few severe ones which get better without rushing to the nearest hospital. In fact I would say that a headache is easily the most ignored ailment around us. And even the doctor had seen her twice and not seen anything alarming. What was I going to say to my daughter completely bewildered by the seriousness of the situation and was waiting two hundred kilometers away for some news? And most of all what was I going to tell Bhavya’s parents whom I had ensured that there was no cause for panic just a day earlier?

I remember my thoughts being interrupted and the doctor coming out looking for my husband and me. He very gravely explained that the condition was not good and in fact they were suspecting that it was a brain stroke. For a moment I thought he was joking or like in the movies had mixed up some reports. He asked me if Bhavya was on any kind of medication. Like a flash I remembered the pill she would take every night for regularizing her period. She had been on that as prescribed by her gynecologist in Delhi for the last nine months. The doctor noted all this and went to consult with others. I sat there wondering what connection could there be between that little pill and her state now. In detail the doctor explained how in many people susceptible to clotting of blood or thrombosis, the hormone based medicine; she had been taking all these months, causes clotting of blood in the capillaries. Mostly these clots happened in legs but in rare cases they lodge themselves in the brain. This happens to one in a thousand people and unfortunately Bhavya was that one person. Only a blood test done for thrombosis can reveal it and Bhavya had never been tested for this. There had never been a need to get such a test done. And to think of it that a simple blood test could have saved her from lying there totally unaware of the series of tests being done on her.

By the time her parents managed to catch the earliest flight from Delhi and reach the hospital she had slipped into a coma. Her mother just held her hand and whispered all kind of things only a mother can say. Her father meanwhile was consulting every possible expert in this area while trying to keep up a brave front. Both of them blamed themselves for being negligent with her headaches, got angry at the gynaec who had prescribed those pills without a proper blood test, both cried on each others shoulder in utter despair. Together we all went through the next seven days in denial, anger, pain and above all helplessness. Waiting outside the ICU for hours to be able to spend five minutes by her side, to see her lying there holding her koala bear, to say all that had been left unsaid to her, encouraging her to hold on and fight back, and above all for a miracle to happen. Her condition did not change and in fact every day the doctor had some bad news – we are putting her on a ventilator, her body temperature is falling so we need to put an electric blanket, we are putting her on a water bed so that she does not get bed sores- so much so that every day in the morning we were not sure which part of her frail body would be the next to give away.

She passed away exactly a week later at night surrounded by her grieving parents whose presence she never realized, her young brother who was completely dazed, her friends and my family.

Even now when my daughter comes down from Pune alone, I feel Bhavya’s presence in her absence. Sometimes when I walk into the bedroom I almost see her hugging her koala bear and sleeping soundly. I feel her presence in my home, going through my kitchen cupboards to find a packet of ‘Hide and Seek’ biscuits which she loved. Most people who fall sick and sometimes even the ones who get an unexpected first heart attack get a second chance at life. Bhavya didn't get a second chance. She was only eighteen years old.

The Advertisement that made me Angry...

There are so many things that are wrong with this advertisement by the Delhi Police. I have no doubt they had good intentions but the execution of the idea just made me angry. And maybe you too!

The idea is to keep young underprivileged children away from bad influences so that they do not take the road to crime.

My problem with the ad is:

·     Such generalisation - Are the children from underprivileged background only likely to take to crime? Why does not the ad display a picture of a rich, over-indulged kid with plenty of resources at his disposal and a bad group of friends? Newspapers regularly carry stories about umpteen numbers of crimes committed by rich, spoilt kids. So why this bias? Just because the rich ones are not on the streets! And what goes on in their empty huge apartments goes unchecked, so we can safely assume that they do not need to be productively occupied.

·     Where is his right to choice? – Has anyone asked the kid in the photo what his choice is? Does he want to cut onions or does he dream bigger? Does he want to study and later a vocational course? Why does the ad not suggest ‘send him to school’? Who are we to decide that they are only fit for menial jobs? Why is there no talk of him not attending school because the government is not building enough schools and ensuring free primary education for all? Just take a minute and look into his eyes. He appears very smart and determined so why should we club all these kids and think that a small time job is all what they can do. I am sure there are some who have immense potential but what they lack is opportunity.

·         What about child labour?

·         Why is it only a boy and not a girl?

And maybe it is only me but the words ‘chop a head’ and the picture of an innocent child, just do not belong together. Not even in an advertisement. Specially not in an advertisement meant for his benefit!

Why I loved Lootera?

Disclaimer: I am not a movie critic or reviewer. I cannot qualify to be one as I see few Hindi films and like even fewer. Spoilers (kind of) ahead.

I am not going to elaborate about the very believable and mature acting skills of the relatively two new lead actors, the fantastic cinematography, the haunting music, the director’s vision and nearly perfect execution of what is just a love story. You probably have read or seen that for yourself by now.

I do not know at what point I became a part of the story that was being enacted before me - the thrill and joy of being in love for the first time, the child-like happiness in spending some stolen moments with your loved one, the coy glances and gestures which spell out love, the devastation of rejection, the anger and frustration of betrayal, the deep sense of loss, the thought of revenge. And still somehow the focus throughout the movie never shifts away from love.

We have all gone through our bits of falling in love, rejection, guilt, may be even revenge. But very few of us have experienced that kind of obsession of loving someone. The mad, crazy, all-consuming love. 

The movie made me want to feel what it is to fall in love passionately, crazily and also have someone love me that way. What we usually  have is very comfortable, routine love. No waiting for years, no one who climbs a tree to stick a leaf, no dilemma of having to choose between anger and passion.  

The movie may have you yearning for this crazy kind of love. Or it may remind you of some old crazy love.

Go see it and feel it for yourself. (Tip – Best seen alone, without any distractions and nudges over sharing your popcorn)

And I Speak from Experience...

Your son or daughter has finally accepted your friend request. Now what? Here are some tips to make the most of the relationship -- without irritating your offspring.

1) Be exclusive with your likes and comments: Minimizing the likes and comments on your kid's page will make the occasional "like" feel much more special to your son or daughter. Save your likes for those really cute profile pictures instead of liking every picture that any of their friends post ever. By reducing likes, your kids won't think you are constantly lurking on their page even if you are. Stealth is definitely the name of the game when it comes to Facebook stalking. Ask your children. They know.

2) Refrain from posting on your son or daughter's wall: As much as your son or daughter probably appreciates nice memos from you, they definitely appreciate them much more in their email inbox -- and not on their wall. Hundreds of their Facebook friends can see posts on their wall so your kids probably want to save that space for interesting links and cool posts from friends as well as photographs and videos. If you choose to post on their wall, you also run the risk of embarrassing your kids on a public forum. In-boxes are private and more personal -- a much more appropriate medium for communicating with your kids.

3) Do not call your kids at work, school or college to question every single like, share or post they ever make : Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to your kids' likes and comments. Kids often like dozens of posts or more on a daily basis. Just because they like a page for the Ultra Music Festival in Miami doesn't mean they are currently headed to said music festival in Miami or suddenly obsessed with popping ecstasy at music festivals.

4) Do not friend every single one of their friends, friends' friends and friends' friends' friends: However, definitely friend their best friends that grew up swinging by your house or their best friend from college that you take out for a nice meal every time you visit your kids at college. Their close friends might be pleasantly surprised to open their Facebook page and find a friend request from their good friend's parent -- most of their other friends will be confused.

5) Do NOT friend their teachers, professors, bosses or colleagues: This is a major infringement on your kid's privacy. Just because you know all about their professors' lectures does not mean their professors necessarily know you. A Facebook page is not a fan-page, and friend requests should only be sent to those in the friend category -- nothing too shocking about that.

6) Stop yourself from flipping through your kid's inbox if they make the mistake of leaving their Facebook page open : Just because you are burning with curiosity to read all of your kid's personal messages does not mean you should open up your daughter's inbox and read every single message ever sent from her inbox. This is a big, blaring no-no and a huge violation of her privacy, the equivalent of reading your kid's diary. Journals and in-boxes alike are just not fair game. If you have questions about your children's life, communicate those questions directly as opposed to just sneaking through his or her personal messages.

7) A Facebook page is not cause for concern: If used appropriately, Facebook can be a tremendous asset to your kid's social and professional life. Facebook can strengthen connections between your kids and their friends as well as help them retain connections when they move away to college or beyond. In addition, Facebook can put to good use as a great tool for parents to communicate with their children. Kids check Facebook numerous times per day, so sending your kids an instant message on Facebook might be the best way to get a fast response.

Using Social Media Mindfully...

In a time when connections can seem like commodities and online interactions can become casually inauthentic, mindfulness is not just a matter of fostering increased awareness. It’s about relating meaningfully to other people and ourselves. Here is a list of 10 tips for using social media mindfully.

1. Know your intentions.
Doug Firebaugh has identified seven psychological needs we may be looking to meet when we log on: acknowledgment, attention, approval, appreciation, acclaim, assurance, and inclusion. Before you post, ask yourself: Am I looking to be seen or validated? Is there something more constructive I could do to meet that need?

2. Be your authentic self.
In the age of personal branding, most of us have a persona we’d like to develop or maintain. Ego-driven tweets focus on an agenda; authenticity communicates from the heart. Talk about the things that really matter to you. If you need advice or support, ask for it. It’s easier to be present when you’re being true to yourself.

3. If you propose to tweet, always ask yourself: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
Sometimes we post thoughts without considering how they might impact our entire audience. It’s easy to forget how many friends are reading. Two hundred people make a crowd in person, but online that number can seem insignificant. Before you share, ask yourself: is there anyone this might harm?

4. Offer random tweets of kindness.
Every now and then I ask on Twitter, “Is there anything I can do to help or support you today?” It’s a simple way to use social media to give without expectations of anything in return. By reaching out to help a stranger, you create the possibility of connecting personally with followers you may have otherwise known only peripherally.

5. Experience now, share later.
It’s common to snap a picture with your phone and upload it to Facebook or email it to a friend. This overlaps the experience of being in a moment and sharing it. It also minimizes intimacy, since your entire audience joins your date or gathering in real time. Just as we aim to reduce our internal monologues to be present, we can do the same with our digital narration.

6. Be active, not reactive.
You may receive email updates whenever there is activity on one of your social media accounts, or you might have your cell phone set to give you these types of alerts. This forces you to decide many times throughout the day whether you want or need to respond. Another approach is to choose when to join the conversation, and to use your offline time to decide what value you have to offer.

7. Respond with your full attention.
People often share links without actually reading them, or comment on posts after only scanning them. If the greatest gift we can give someone is our attention, then social media allows us to be endlessly generous. We may not be able to reply to everyone, but responding thoughtfully when we can makes a difference.

8. Use mobile social media sparingly.
In 2009, Pew Research found that 43 percent of cell phone users access the Web on their devices several times a day. It’s what former Microsoft employee Linda Stone refers to as continuous partial attention—when you frequently sign on to be sure you don’t miss out anything. If you choose to limit your cell phone access, you may miss out online, but you won’t miss what’s in front of you.

9. Practice letting go.
It may feel unkind to disregard certain updates or tweets, but we need downtime to be kind to ourselves. Give yourself permission to let yesterday’s stream go. This way you won’t need to “catch up” on updates that have passed but instead can be part of today’s conversation.

10. Enjoy social media!
These are merely suggestions to feel present and purposeful when utilizing social media, but they aren’t hard-and-fast rules. Follow your own instincts and have fun with it. If you’re mindful when you’re disconnected from technology, you have all the tools you need to be mindful when you go online.

And last but not the least...

Facebook, Twitter, Blogs tend to get lumped into the same general category of marketing, they are actually quite different. The audiences and the platforms call for slightly different types of writing. So stop linking them together. Use each medium as per the uniqueness it offers. 

(from - http://www.tricycle.com/feature/ten-mindful-ways-use-social-media)

And we forgot the mother of the boyfriend!!!

It has been a few days since a young pretty girl committed suicide. I am not even saying an actress because even that is secondary. She was just a young pretty girl.

A lot has been reported since starting with her frustrations over an almost non-existent career, her boyfriend with whom (maybe) she was living with, her five page suicide note, her boyfriend's father's notorious past and so on.

A lot of blame game has been played - she herself because she should have known better or sought help, her boyfriend whom she apparently loved and who did not reciprocate - how could he not?, her mother who should have taught her better than to take her own life, boyfriend's father - like father like son etc.

I read her suicide note.

It talks of physical and mental abuse. I do not know the law well so I cannot comment on if it is valid proof as abetment to suicide or not. 

But if the abuse part is true, more than the boyfriend, I blame his mother. Look at the example she set for her son. She married the father in 1986 almost 27 years ago. The father in question has had numerous affairs, a high profile live-in relationship, a history of violence towards women and more. All this while he was still married. Did the mother ever say anything against the husband? Did she walk out of the marriage that was crumpling her worth and causing her mental trauma? 

No. And that for me is her fault in making her son what he is. The mother just by overlooking and accepting all this gave the message to her son that it is okay for men to behave like this, have affairs, not commit to marriage, hit women. Had she walked out of the marriage for all the trauma he gave her or stood up for herself she may have taught her son better. That women are to be respected, not to be physically or mentally hurt, that they are not to be used and thrown and that they have feelings too.

Who knows how the son would have turned out to be but I can bet he would have been more sensitive towards the women in his life.

Children very often role model themselves on what they see their parents doing, how they respect each other, what they compromise upon, what they stand up for and what they choose to ignore in their own relationship. The seeds for a child's any future relationship are laid when you least expect them to be - in the early childhood.

Stop The Shame

Usually I am the kind of the person who is eager to learn new things, positive about life, enjoys good conversations, has a great time with friends and family and above all happy and fun to be with.

But then there have been few times when none of the above has applied to me. Times when I did not know how to handle some people, the emotions they stirred up in me, and even me. The only thing I was aware of was that I needed to talk to someone and sort it before it started to impact my daily life. 

So at that point did I give a damn about what people would think or say? Will my family and friends judge me? Will i be considered an outcast at social gatherings?

NO. And that made all the difference.

I spoke to a few of my very close friends about it. I also sought professional help and shared all about how I was feeling. The platform was much needed and very useful. I learnt how to identify my feelings, what to do with them, learnt more effective ways of handling my feelings and better coping strategies. AND IT MADE A LIFE CHANGING DIFFERENCE.

It has been many years since and of course I still do slip up at times but somewhere I know I am in control. I am more aware. And I have trusted and helpful people whom I can call in times of crisis.

I write this because I know and see people who want to seek help but unable to do so due to lack of support from family and friends. Some are bothered about how they will be judged. Some are worried that family and friends are going to talk about their inadequacies. My only suggestion to them is that it is your life and you have to take charge of it. Behind the happy and rosy pictures of your close ones you have no idea what they go through when they are feeling down. And believe me they feel low too at some point or the other. 

I also write this because it is high time we brought more openness to issues of Mental Health.

I also write this because IF I CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU.

I write this because I want people to STOP THE SHAME that they attach to people who seek help and are fighting against something that they have no control on. Be proud of their efforts and support them. 

Because you never know one day you yourself could be on that couch needing help!!!