You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she…

 

• constantly keeps track of your time?
• acts jealous and possessive?
• accuses you of being unfaithful or flirting?
• discourages your relationships with friends and family?
• prevents or discourages you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?
• constantly criticizes or belittles you?
• controls all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
• humiliates you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)
• destroys or takes your personal property or sentimental items?
• has affairs?
• threatens to hurt you, your children or pets? Threatens to use a weapon?
• pushes, hits, slaps, punches, kicks, or bites you or your children?
• forces you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?

Learn to recognize and differentiate the patterns of a Healthy/Abusive relationship. The examples shown here can help you identify traits of abusive and healthy relationships. In general, abusive relationships have a serious power imbalance, with the abuser controlling or attempting to control most aspects of life. Healthy relationships share responsibility and decision-making tasks and reflect respect for all the people in the relationship, including children.

 

 

Healthy Relationships

 

Non-Threatening Behaviour

• Talking and acting so that your partner feels safe and comfortable doing and saying things.

Respect

• Listening to your partner non-judgmentally.
• Being emotionally affirming and understanding.
• Valuing opinions.

Trust and Support

• Supporting your partner’s goals in life.
• Respecting your partner’s right to his or her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.

Honesty and Accountability

• Accepting responsibility for self.
• Acknowledging past use of violence and / or emotionally abusive behaviour, changing the behaviour.
• Acknowledging infidelity, changing the behaviour.
• Admitting being wrong when it is appropriate.
• Communicating openly and truthfully, acknowledging past abuse, seeking help for abusive relationship patterns.

Responsible Parenting

• Sharing parental responsibilities.
• Being a positive, non-violent role model for children.

Shared Responsibility

• Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.
• Making family decisions together.

 

 

Abusive Relationships

 

Using Intimidation

• Making your partner afraid by using looks, actions and gestures.
• Smashing or destroying things.
• Destroying or confiscating your partner's property.
• Abusing pets as a display of power and control.
• Silent or overt raging.
• Displaying weapons or threatening their use.
• Making physical threats.

Using Emotional Abuse

• Putting your partner down.
• Making your partner feel bad about himself or herself.
• Calling your partner names.
• Playing mind games.
• Interrogating your partner.
• Harassing or intimidating your partner.
• "Checking up on" your partner's activities or whereabouts.
• Humiliating your partner, weather through direct attacks or "jokes".
• Making your partner feel guilty.
• Shaming your partner.

Using Isolation

• Controlling what your partner does, who he or she sees and talks to, what he or she reads, where he or she goes.
• Limiting your partner’s outside involvement.
• Demanding your partner remain home when you are not with them.
• Cutting your partner off from prior friends, activities, and social interaction.
• Using jealousy to justify your actions.

Minimizing, Denying and Blame Shifting

• Making light of the abuse and not taking your partner’s concerns about it seriously.
• Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn't that bad.
• Shifting responsibility for your abusive behaviour to your partner. (i.e: I did it because you ______.)
• Saying your partner caused it.

Using Children

• Making your partner feel guilty about the children.
• Using the children to relay messages.
• Using visitation to harass your partner.
• Threatening to take the children away.

Using Male Privilege

• Treating your partner like a servant.
• Making all the big decisions.
• Acting like the "master of the castle."
• Being the one to define men’s and women’s or the relationship's roles.

Using Economic Abuse

• Preventing your partner from getting or keeping a job.
• Making your partner ask for money.
• Giving your partner an allowance.
• Taking your partner’s money.
• Not letting your partner know about or have access to family income.  

 

What to do if this sounds familiar?

 

If you are in an abusive relationship always remember that these relationships CANNOT be changed from one side.  Remember that by staying you are condoning and enabling the abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. 

If your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own. 

Learn how to protect and care for yourself. 

(from: http://www.recovery-man.com)