Most romantic thing... ever...

I recently attended a full day workshop conducted by my spouse’s company. The purpose of this yearly ritual is that the wives spend the entire day meeting up with the spouses of other members that your spouse spends at least ten hours a day. Simply put wives meet other wives.

This year the HR had a surprise in store for the wives. Apparently they had got each member to record a short video message for their wife which was then played on a large screen. Here I must add that we spend the day away from the spouses, who anyway are busy planning and strategising on the other side of the wall.

There were more than hundred messages that were played. Some were very sincere, some reeked of falseness. Some were so long that you lost track of where they started, some were short and to the point (those husbands I am sure are going to face this question ‘could you not think of more to say?’). 

This is mainly what most husbands had to say …

“she gave up her dreams so that I could fulfill mine”…  Now really!!! If you are the one who believes in this I must add you are a selfish, arrogant person. Togetherness should be where both work towards achieving their respective dreams. If your wife gave up her job and followed you without a single word or if it makes you happy to live your dream at her expense then you have to look at your relationship carefully. Maybe she has pushed the frustration under the carpet where you cannot see.

“she can cook up a meal in half an hour, and mind you not such any meal, a full delicious meal”… I must admit here that at this point I started to seriously think what my husband was going to say because kitchen is my least favourite place in the house and no way have I cooked up a full meal after spending a day out. I have no problem with a husband, who loves his wife mainly because of her culinary abilities, I am just glad he is not my husband.

“she looks after the kids and handles it all, allowing me to concentrate on my job full time” … my only question to such people is that if the job was going to be the most important part of your life needing all your attention, why have kids? You as a father are not helping your kids to create wonderful memories of a family. They need to remember seeing you both at the PTA, annual day and helping them with school work. 

I have traveled and lived in different cities with my husband but never without getting upset. Slowly adjusting to a new environment with his help. I have voiced my concerns (very) vocally and we have together thought of ways to make each transition easy. We have gone over various options for my job too and each time I have found something interesting and fruitful to do. We have handled all the joys and pains of raising two wonderful, independent and highly opinionated kids together. 

And I was so touched that instead of resorting to these options of making me sound like a wonderful person who has never argued or sulked about a transition or insisting on sharing responsibility for kids or a sacrificing martyr (which would have been a lie), he said the most wonderful thing – “…We have literally grown up together. The thing that I most appreciate and am thankful to you is that you taught me (and our daughters) the love for reading and books…”

And for me this is the most romantic thing he has ever said.

If you don’t want to break your own heart, then don’t…

1. Let people invalidate or minimize how you feel. – If you feel something, you feel it and it’s real to you.  Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that, ever.  No one else lives in your body, or sees life through your eyes. No one else has lived through your exact experiences.  And so, no one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel.  Your feelings are important.  Don’t let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.
2. Regret every mistake you’ve ever made. – If you regret some of the decisions you’ve made in the past, stop being so hard on yourself.  At that time, you did your best with the knowledge you had.  At that time, you did your best with the experience you had.  Your decisions were made with a younger mind.  If you were to make these decisions with the wisdom you have now, you would choose differently.  So give yourself a break.  Time and experience has a wonderful way of helping us prosper, grow and learn to make better choices today, for ourselves and those we care for.  
3. Take your loved ones for granted. – Someday, for one reason or another, there will be someone you miss dearly.  Missing this person willhave nothing to do with how long it’s been since you’ve seen them, or the amount of time since you’ve talked.  It will be about that very moment when you’re doing something and you wish they were right there with you.  So be sure to appreciate every moment you get to spend with the people who matter to you.
4. Let your ego get the best of you. – Sometimes we choose to be wrong, not because we really are wrong, but because  we value our relationship more than our pride.  When two people who care about each other fight, both are wrong.  They have put some kind of superficial outcome over love and compromise.  The one who apologizes and makes up first, is the one who is right.
5. Get involved in every petty argument that comes your way. – Being strong doesn’t mean you have to stay and fight all the battles and petty arguments that come your way.  Being strong doesn’t mean you have to respond to rude remarks.  Don’t retort by throwing insults back at them.  Don’t bring yourself down to their level.  That’s what they want.  Keep your dignity.  True strength is being smart enough to walk away from all the nonsense with your head held high.        
6. Join the negativity committee. – No matter how much negativity is thrown at you by others, there is absolutely no need for you to stay put and participate in the self-destruction they choose for their own lives.  You decide how your soul grows.  The extent of your happiness depends on the quality of your thoughts.  So be positive.  Some of the best days of your life haven’t happened yet.
7. Rush love. – A good relationship is when two people accept each other’s past, support each other’s present, and love each other enough to encourage each other’s future.  So don’t rush love.  Find a partner who encourages you to grow, who won’t cling to you, who will let you go out into the world, and trust that you will come back.  This is what true love is all about, and it's always worth the wait.     
8. Hold on to those who don’t want to stay. – It’s really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to let go of, but it’s even more painful to hold on to them if they never wanted to stay in the first place.  If someone doesn’t show you the same love that you show them, and acts as if you are unimportant most of the time, this may be a big clue as to the fact that you don’t need them in your life either.  The only people you truly need in your life are those who respect you and want you to be in theirs.
9. Ignore every bit of constructive criticism you receive. – The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves.  A true friend will always speak the truth, even if it hurts.  So don’t assume that every critic in your life is a hater.  Not everyone is hating on you.  Some people truly care about you, and are simply telling you the truth that you have been subconsciously denying.  
10. Give up on yourself. – Maneuvering through difficult times is a lot like driving through dense fog.  You can’t always see where you’re going, you feel a little lost, you want to turn back, and every mile feels like forever.  Yet, scared or fatigued as you might be, there’s nothing you can do but breathe, focus on the road ahead, keep moving forward, and trust that a force with keener vision than yours is out there functioning as your guide. 
(from : http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/10/17/10-ways-to-break-your-own-heart/ )

Are u in a verbally abusive relationship?

The 15 Characteristics of Verbal Abuse

As defined by Patricia Evans, in her book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship – How to recognise it and how to respond”.

 

1. WITHHOLDING -
Withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof towards one’s partner, to reveal as little as possible and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference.

The verbal abuser who chooses to withhold can add a variety of flourishes and camouflages to his withholding, such as pretending not to hear, picking up something to look at while his partner is sharing or watching television while saying “Go ahead, I am listening” when it is clear that he is not.

2. COUNTERING -
As a category of verbal abuse, countering is one of the most destructive in a relationship because it prevents all possibility of discussion, it consistently denies the victim’s reality and it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate things about anything.
An abuser who constantly counters seems only to think the opposite of his partner. If she (or he) says anything directly or expresses thoughts on something, the abuser will say it is the opposite. What he is really saying is “No, that’s not the way it is” even about her most personal experience of something.

3. DISCOUNTING-
Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. The verbal abuser discounts his (or her) partner’s experience and feelings as if they were worth nothing. He will say something that gives her the message “Your feeling and experiences are wrong, they are worth nothing.” Such as – “You’re making a big deal out of nothing, you always jump to conclusions, you can’t take a joke, you don’t know what you’re talking about, you take everything the wrong way.”

4. VERBAL ABUSE DISGUISED AS JOKES-
This kind of abuse is not done in jest. It cuts to the quick, touches the most sensitive areas and leaves the abuser with a look of triumph. The abuse never seems funny because it isn’t funny.
Disparaging comments disguised as jokes often refer to the nature of the partner, their intellectual abilities or competency. If the partner says “I didn’t think that was funny” the abuser will discount her experience by angrily saying “You don’t have a sense of humour!” or “You just can’t take a joke!”

5. BLOCKING AND DIVERTING -
This category of verbal abuse specifically controls interpersonal communication. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed or withholds information. He or she can prevent all possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting. This may be by direct demand or by switching the topic.
Examples of blocking are:
*You’re just trying to have the last word!
*You think you know it all!
*This conversation is over!
*Just drop it!
Through diversion the topic is changed. None of the abuser’s diversions answer the partner’s question in a thoughtful or considerate way.

6. ACCUSING AND BLAMING -
A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship, blaming his partner for his anger, irritation and insecurities.
When asked a question, the abuser will accuse his partner of attacking him. In this way, he avoids all intimacy and possibility of exploring his partner’s feelings.

7. JUDGING AND CRITICISING -
The verbal abuser may judge his or her partner and then express his judgement in a critical way. If the partner objects, the abuser may tell her that he is just pointing our something to be helpful, when in reality he may be expressing his lack of acceptance of her.
Most verbal abuse carries a judgmental tone.
Statements which begin with “The trouble with you is…” are judgmental, critical and abusive.
Statements which begin with “Your problem is….” are judgmental, critical and abusive.
Critical “stories” about your mistakes or actual lies about you which embarrass you in front of others are abusive.

8. TRIVIALISING -
Trivialising says, in so many words, that what you have done or expressed is insignificant. When trivialising is done in a frank and sincere tone of voice, it can be difficult to detect.
if the partner is very trusting, she may listen with an open mind to the abuser’s comments and end up feeling perplexed that he doesn’t understand her or her work or her interests.
Trivialising can be very subtle, so that the partner is left feeling depressed and frustrated but isn’t quite sure why. It can be confusing to the partner because, if she doesn’t recognise it for what it is, she believes she somehow hasn’t been able to explain to her mate just how important certain things are to her. The abuser may feel one up when he puts his partner down, but his partner is kept on an emotional roller coaster.

9. UNDERMINING -
Undermining not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence and determination. The abuser who undermines his partner has usually verbally abused her in many other ways. Consequently, her self-esteem and confidence are already low, making her that much more vulnerable to the abuse.
Comments such as those below, which dampen interest and enthusiasm, are examples of undermining:
Partner: What a pretty flower!
Abuser: A flower is just a flower.
Partner: I’d like to find out if there are any……
Abuser:*What’s the point?
OR Why bother?
OR Who cares?
OR I don’t see that that’ll get you anywhere.
Direct squelches such as the following are also undermining:
Who asked you?
Nobody is interesting in your opinion.
You wouldn’t understand.
Who are you trying to impress?
Sabotaging is also a way of undermining, such as disruption and interruption. For example, the abuser my sabotage his partner’s conversations with others by causing some disturbance. He may also simply interrupt her by finishing her story, opposing her or negating her.

10. THREATENING -
Threatening manipulates the partner by bringing up her worst fears. Verbally abusive threats usually involve the threat of loss or pain.
Some examples:
Do what I want or I will leave.
Do what I want or I will get a divorce.
Do what I want or I will get really angry.

11. NAME CALLING -
Name calling is one of the most overt categories of verbal abuse.

12. FORGETTING -
Forgetting involves both denial and covert manipulation.
The declaration by the abuser that what occurred didn’t occur is abusive. Everyone forgets what happened now and then. However, consistently forgetting interactions which have a great impact on another person is verbally abusive denial.
Often, after the partner collects herself after being yelled at or put down, she may try to talk to her mate about it. He will have conveniently “forgotten” the incident, saying, for example, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not going to listen to this.”
Some abusers seem to consistently forget the promises which are most important to their partners. Often the partner is truly counting on a very important agreement made by her mate. he will have “forgotten” the agreement.

13. ORDERING-
Ordering denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When the abuser gives orders instead of asking respectfully for what he wants, he is treating his partner as if she were the glove on his hand, automatically available to fulfill his wishes.

14. DENIAL -
Although all verbal abuse has serious consequences, denial is one of the most insidious categories of verbal abuse because it denies the reality of the partner.
Examples:
I never said that.
You’re making all of that up.
We never had that conversation.
I don’t know where you got that.
You have got to be crazy.
When the partner of the abuser clearly realises that:
He DID say that, she’s made nothing up, they did have that conversation, shes upset about something, her experience IS real and she is not crazy, then, she has enough self-esteem and knowledge to recognise verbal abuse.

15. ABUSIVE ANGER -
Anger underlies, motivates and perpetuates verbally abusive behavior.
In order to recognise abusive anger, it is essential that the partber fully realise that she is in no way responsible for being yelled at, snapped at, raged at or even glared at-no matter how demanding, accusing or blaming the abuser is.
The partners of verbal abusers know that explaining what they really said, meant or did has never brought an apology such as “Oh, I am so sorry to have snapped, shouted or yelled at you. Will you forgive me?”
The partners of verbal abusers know this from experience. But they hope that they will not have to give up the hope that *this time* he will understand. This hope may be the hardest of all hopes to give up.
It is also important for the partner to fully realise that there is no “way she can be” to prevent the abuser from venting his anger to her. Speaking more gently, listening more attentively, being more supportive, more interesting, more learned, more fun, thinner, cuter or classier – being more anything will nnot work.
The abuser’s anger arises out of his general sense of Personal Powerlessness. He expresses his anger either covertly through subtle manipulation or everything in unexpected outbursts directed at his partner. These outbursts accuse and blame the partner.
By making her his scapegoat, he denies the real cause of his behavior and convinced himself and usually his partner that she has somehow said or done something to justify the abuse.
Attempts by the partner to find out what is wrong simply do not work. The abuser will deny his anger outright or claim that his partner is to blame for his behavior. If the abuser were to admit that his partner was not the cause of his anger, he would have to face himself and his own feelings.
In most cases, abusers are unwilling to do this.

(from: http://married2mrmean.wordpress.com/2011/02/19/the-15-characteristics-of-verbal-abuse/)

 

I Am One in a Billion…

Exactly five years ago on 9^th Oct 2007 I made my account on Facebook, which now is one in a billion. Those were the days when it was relatively new and most people were on Orkut (remember!!-even I had an account there). Both my daughters were on Facebook at that time and I was intrigued by this very interactive site which was the topic of discussion in their circle of friends. So a profile page was filled, all existing photographs were searched and a profile picture selected, finally password set and I was ready to go (though my daughters tried playing it smart and saying “Mom it is only for college students, what are you going to do there…”). It seemed a little more complicated than Orkut (btw does anyone still have an account there?) but I soon got the hang of it. 

 Daughters were added first and then a few friends who were already active on Facebook. And then suddenly one day came the deluge of friend requests, mainly from my ex-students who were on it and had found me there (Facebook still sends out these suggestions for friends, though now mostly they are ignored). It was sheer joy to connect with all of them after nearly 10 years. The photographs made me rewrite the memory I had of them as primary students and the chat helped us to catch up on the latest. Old friends from various cities where I had lived were found and poked (must admit that in the initial stages it was done). And the sheer happiness of discovering old school friends after nearly 30 years (yes, I am that old) and filling in the gaps with them was the highlight of joining Facebook. In fact I think our 30 year reunion was only possible because all those who are now scattered all over could be contacted.

People have all kinds of opinions about Facebook –

…how cool …what a waste of time … I would rather be dead than caught posting a status… that is how I keep in touch with friends and family who live elsewhere… not good for self esteem, especially when you see some recurring travel updates and pictures of others taken in exotic places… good for self esteem, when you have even a little thing to share (after all even if you write exaggerated updates or Photoshopped pictures no one will know)… it is for introverts/extroverts…there is no privacy (there are privacy settings or option to not be there) …I have an account but I never check it (then why it has not been deactivated so far, no one knows/cares)… it alienates people as people now like to connect virtually thus cutting human contact…it is a social networking site so obviously it makes you more social and so on… I use it only to upload photographs for my friends to see (usually a triple digit number at regular intervals)…and so on

I have no problem with what you do on it or what you think about FB because after all it is your space and I ALWAYS have the option of whether to see those photographs or not, respond to you or not, click on the links you share or not, change my privacy settings, add people as my friends or not. The point being that there is always an option. So just as I respect your space remember my account is my space. Respect it. If you do not like what I post use your settings and block me or un-friend me. I have taken some long breaks when I have been busy or just bored with Facebook. But so far have come back to it and it has been my choice. And some day if I deactivate my account, it will be my choice.

I personally use Facebook to share articles I find interesting (and sometimes bizarre), express my opinion by commenting on links/articles/status updates I find worthy of it, finding and reading some wonderful links that a few select friends put up, rave and rant about issues that matter to me (obviously because it is my space), express how I am feeling, keep track of birthdays (now that we have stopped memorizing anything), share important happenings (since now in one shot you can reach most people you want to instead of writing separately to each one), upload few photographs which will keep me visually alive (and hopefully make a few envious) and to pimp my blog (if I may put it like that). Oh yes and not to forget the initial purpose of Facebook of keeping in touch with close ones especially when every gadget has an app for it...

PS : And if you liked this post do not forget to hit the 'like' button and help my self esteem go up a few notches :)

Love Me Do, we love them still...

I would have probably have never been drawn to western music had it not been for a group of school friends who introduced me to Beatles. Easy to understand lyrics and simple music made my initiation into the world of 'English songs' (as known years back) easier. This led to exploration of more singers and addiction to 'A Date with you', 'Sunday Requests', 'Force's Request' which used to aired over the good old radio.
It is difficult to pick a few songs of The Beatles and I am sharing the ones that come to my mind first and foremost...

 Let It Be

When i find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken-hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,
Towering over your head.
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes,
And she's gone.

Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Ahh...

Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain
Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies,
Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers,
That grow so incredibly high.

Newspaper taxis appear on the shore,
Waiting to take you away.
Climb in the back with your head in the clouds,
And you're gone.

Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Ahh...

Picture yourself on a train in a station,
With plasticine porters with looking glass ties,
Suddenly someone is there at the turnstile,
The girl with the kaleidoscope eyes.

Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Ahh...

 Norwegian Wood

I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me...
She showed me her room, isn't it good, Norwegian wood?

She asked me to stay and she told me to sit anywhere,
So I looked around and I noticed there wasn't a chair.

I sat on a rug, biding my time, drinking her wine
We talked until two and then she said, "It's time for bed"

She told me she worked in the morning and started to laugh.
I told her I didn't and crawled off to sleep in the bath

And when I awoke, I was alone, this bird had flown
So I lit a fire, isn't it good, Norwegian wood.

Things We Said Today

You say you will love me
If I have to go.
You'll be thinking of me,
Somehow I will know.
Someday when I'm lonely,
Wishing you weren't so far away,
Then I will remember
Things we said today.

You say you'll be mine, girl,
Till the end of time.
These days such a kind girl,
Seem so hard to find.
Someday when we're dreaming,
Deep in love, not a lot to say,
Then we will remember
Things we said today.

Me, I'm just the lucky kind,
Love to hear you say that love is luck.
And though we may be blind,
Love is here to stay, and that's enough
To make you mine, girl,
Be the only one.
Love me all the time, girl,
We'll go on and on.
Someday when we're dreaming,
Deep in love, not a lot to say,
Then we will remember
Things we said today.

She Is Leaving Home

Wednesday morning at five o'clock as the day begins
Silently closing her bedroom door
Leaving the note that she hope would say more
She goes downstairs to the kitchen clutching her handkerchief
Quietly turning the backdoor key
Stepping outside she is free

She (We gave her most of our lives)
Is leaving (Sacrificed most of our lives)
Home (We gave her everything money could buy)
She's leaving home after living alone for so many years. Bye, bye

 
Father snores as his wife gets into the dressing gown
Picks up the letter that's lying there
Standing alone at the top of the stairs
She breaks down and cries to her husband
Daddy, our baby's gone
Why would she treat us so thoughtlessly
How could she do this to me

She (We never thought of ourselves)
Is leaving (Never a thought for ourselves)
Home (We gave her everything money could buy)
She's leaving home after living alone for so many years. Bye, bye

Some Other Words for Said...

Play with words... Acknowledged Added Admitted Advised Agreed Announced Answered Approved Argued Assumed Assured Asked Babbled Bargained Began Boasted Bragged Called Claimed Commanded Commented Complained Cried Decided Demanded Denied Described Dictated Emphasized Estimated Exclaimed Explained Expressed Feared Giggled Grinned Grunted Indicated Insisted Instructed Laughed Lectured Lied Mentioned Moaned Mumbled Murmured Nagged Noted Notified Objected Observed Ordered Pleaded Pointed out Prayed Predicted Questioned Reassured Related Repeated Replied Responded Requested Restated Revealed Roared Ruled Scolded Screamed Shouted Shrieked Snapped Sneered Sobbed Spoke Sputtered Stammered Stated Stormed Suggested Taunted Thought Told Urged Uttered Vowed Wailed Warned Whispered   (from: http://www.iss.k12.nc.us/writing/said.htm)