The 15 Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
As defined by Patricia Evans, in her book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship – How to recognise it and how to respond”.
1. WITHHOLDING -
Withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings,
hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof towards one’s
partner, to reveal as little as possible and to maintain an attitude of
cool indifference.
The verbal abuser who chooses to withhold can add a variety of
flourishes and camouflages to his withholding, such as pretending not to
hear, picking up something to look at while his partner is sharing or
watching television while saying “Go ahead, I am listening” when it is
clear that he is not.
2. COUNTERING -
As a category of verbal abuse, countering is one of the most destructive
in a relationship because it prevents all possibility of discussion, it
consistently denies the victim’s reality and it prevents the partner
from knowing what her mate things about anything.
An abuser who constantly counters seems only to think the opposite of
his partner. If she (or he) says anything directly or expresses
thoughts on something, the abuser will say it is the opposite. What he
is really saying is “No, that’s not the way it is” even about her most
personal experience of something.
3. DISCOUNTING-
Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is
extremely destructive. The verbal abuser discounts his (or her)
partner’s experience and feelings as if they were worth nothing. He will
say something that gives her the message “Your feeling and experiences
are wrong, they are worth nothing.” Such as – “You’re making a big deal
out of nothing, you always jump to conclusions, you can’t take a joke,
you don’t know what you’re talking about, you take everything the wrong
way.”
4. VERBAL ABUSE DISGUISED AS JOKES-
This kind of abuse is not done in jest. It cuts to the quick, touches
the most sensitive areas and leaves the abuser with a look of triumph.
The abuse never seems funny because it isn’t funny.
Disparaging comments disguised as jokes often refer to the nature of
the partner, their intellectual abilities or competency. If the partner
says “I didn’t think that was funny” the abuser will discount her
experience by angrily saying “You don’t have a sense of humour!” or “You
just can’t take a joke!”
5. BLOCKING AND DIVERTING -
This category of verbal abuse specifically controls interpersonal
communication. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes
what can be discussed or withholds information. He or she can prevent
all possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting. This
may be by direct demand or by switching the topic.
Examples of blocking are:
*You’re just trying to have the last word!
*You think you know it all!
*This conversation is over!
*Just drop it!
Through diversion the topic is changed. None of the abuser’s
diversions answer the partner’s question in a thoughtful or considerate
way.
6. ACCUSING AND BLAMING -
A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing or some
breach of the basic agreement of the relationship, blaming his partner
for his anger, irritation and insecurities.
When asked a question, the abuser will accuse his partner of
attacking him. In this way, he avoids all intimacy and possibility of
exploring his partner’s feelings.
7. JUDGING AND CRITICISING -
The verbal abuser may judge his or her partner and then express his
judgement in a critical way. If the partner objects, the abuser may tell
her that he is just pointing our something to be helpful, when in
reality he may be expressing his lack of acceptance of her.
Most verbal abuse carries a judgmental tone.
Statements which begin with “The trouble with you is…” are judgmental, critical and abusive.
Statements which begin with “Your problem is….” are judgmental, critical and abusive.
Critical “stories” about your mistakes or actual lies about you which embarrass you in front of others are abusive.
8. TRIVIALISING -
Trivialising says, in so many words, that what you have done or
expressed is insignificant. When trivialising is done in a frank and
sincere tone of voice, it can be difficult to detect.
if the partner is very trusting, she may listen with an open mind to
the abuser’s comments and end up feeling perplexed that he doesn’t
understand her or her work or her interests.
Trivialising can be very subtle, so that the partner is left feeling
depressed and frustrated but isn’t quite sure why. It can be confusing
to the partner because, if she doesn’t recognise it for what it is, she
believes she somehow hasn’t been able to explain to her mate just how
important certain things are to her. The abuser may feel one up when he
puts his partner down, but his partner is kept on an emotional roller
coaster.
9. UNDERMINING -
Undermining not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes
confidence and determination. The abuser who undermines his partner has
usually verbally abused her in many other ways. Consequently, her
self-esteem and confidence are already low, making her that much more
vulnerable to the abuse.
Comments such as those below, which dampen interest and enthusiasm, are examples of undermining:
Partner: What a pretty flower!
Abuser: A flower is just a flower.
Partner: I’d like to find out if there are any……
Abuser:*What’s the point?
OR Why bother?
OR Who cares?
OR I don’t see that that’ll get you anywhere.
Direct squelches such as the following are also undermining:
Who asked you?
Nobody is interesting in your opinion.
You wouldn’t understand.
Who are you trying to impress?
Sabotaging is also a way of undermining, such as disruption and
interruption. For example, the abuser my sabotage his partner’s
conversations with others by causing some disturbance. He may also
simply interrupt her by finishing her story, opposing her or negating
her.
10. THREATENING -
Threatening manipulates the partner by bringing up her worst fears.
Verbally abusive threats usually involve the threat of loss or pain.
Some examples:
Do what I want or I will leave.
Do what I want or I will get a divorce.
Do what I want or I will get really angry.
11. NAME CALLING -
Name calling is one of the most overt categories of verbal abuse.
12. FORGETTING -
Forgetting involves both denial and covert manipulation.
The declaration by the abuser that what occurred didn’t occur is
abusive. Everyone forgets what happened now and then. However,
consistently forgetting interactions which have a great impact on
another person is verbally abusive denial.
Often, after the partner collects herself after being yelled at or
put down, she may try to talk to her mate about it. He will have
conveniently “forgotten” the incident, saying, for example, “I don’t
know what you’re talking about. I’m not going to listen to this.”
Some abusers seem to consistently forget the promises which are most
important to their partners. Often the partner is truly counting on a
very important agreement made by her mate. he will have “forgotten” the
agreement.
13. ORDERING-
Ordering denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When the
abuser gives orders instead of asking respectfully for what he wants, he
is treating his partner as if she were the glove on his hand,
automatically available to fulfill his wishes.
14. DENIAL -
Although all verbal abuse has serious consequences, denial is
one of the most insidious categories of verbal abuse because it denies
the reality of the partner.
Examples:
I never said that.
You’re making all of that up.
We never had that conversation.
I don’t know where you got that.
You have got to be crazy.
When the partner of the abuser clearly realises that:
He DID say that, she’s made nothing up, they did have that conversation,
shes upset about something, her experience IS real and she is not
crazy, then, she has enough self-esteem and knowledge to recognise
verbal abuse.
15. ABUSIVE ANGER -
Anger underlies, motivates and perpetuates verbally abusive behavior.
In order to recognise abusive anger, it is essential that the partber
fully realise that she is in no way responsible for being yelled at,
snapped at, raged at or even glared at-no matter how demanding, accusing
or blaming the abuser is.
The partners of verbal abusers know that explaining what they really
said, meant or did has never brought an apology such as “Oh, I am so
sorry to have snapped, shouted or yelled at you. Will you forgive me?”
The partners of verbal abusers know this from experience. But they
hope that they will not have to give up the hope that *this time* he
will understand. This hope may be the hardest of all hopes to give up.
It is also important for the partner to fully realise that there is
no “way she can be” to prevent the abuser from venting his anger to her.
Speaking more gently, listening more attentively, being more
supportive, more interesting, more learned, more fun, thinner, cuter or
classier – being more anything will nnot work.
The abuser’s anger arises out of his general sense of Personal
Powerlessness. He expresses his anger either covertly through subtle
manipulation or everything in unexpected outbursts directed at his
partner. These outbursts accuse and blame the partner.
By making her his scapegoat, he denies the real cause of his behavior
and convinced himself and usually his partner that she has somehow said
or done something to justify the abuse.
Attempts by the partner to find out what is wrong simply do not work.
The abuser will deny his anger outright or claim that his partner is to
blame for his behavior. If the abuser were to admit that his partner
was not the cause of his anger, he would have to face himself and his
own feelings.
In most cases, abusers are unwilling to do this.
(from: http://married2mrmean.wordpress.com/2011/02/19/the-15-characteristics-of-verbal-abuse/)
