Online Friends vs Real Friends

I would have never given so much thought to this topic had it not been for the fact that I have spending a lot more time online than with real friends. These are two view points, very well written, on this topic.

The writer, N Madhavan's Twitter bio reads: “Columnist/journalist/tech writer, Hindustan Times, Delhi. Oh, music and movie lover as well.“ Follow him @madversity Think of the options on how you strike a friendship. “I met her at a party.“ Or “I met him at a café.“ Or “We were in business school together.“ And then, “ I met him on Twitter.“ Does the last one sound odd or spurious to you? But why should it? Friendships or relationships built on the Internet can be as real or unreal as in the real world. Social media is raging phenomenon with Facebook and Twitter bringing more contacts into your computer screen -and then on to your living rooms -than they did ever before. Alongside is an unwarranted pessimism about whether they are taking you away from the real world of friendships, relationships and conversations. The fears may be far-fetched, but we need to understand why. There is a genuine cause for concern when online existence becomes addictive enough for real world contacts to be underplayed or ignored. But that could be because the relationships there are more enriching in a way. So, it is a bit like asking: Has email killed the old-fashioned long-hand letters, now known pejoratively as snail mail? The answer could be a yes, but do consider the fact that short of giving you the romantic smell of paper and the visual appeal of long-hand writing, everything you did with letters can be done now with emails -and it is faster, better and cheaper. And often, richer. Similarly, conversations on Twitter can be enriching, and consequent friendships -can be rewarding. I have said that Twitter is the new parliament and Facebook is the new café. Both social media sites are flexible though Twitter dramatically increases the probability of finding a person who is closer to your tastes, values, interests or whatever you think makes a friendship tick. The other day, one spotted a tweet that wondered why the tweeter felt closer to strangers she met on Twitter than persons she had lived with for years. That may sound eerie, like an alcohol-induced illusion, but do consider the fact that this could be because the hidden longings of the person found an echo on Twitter. Echo is the right word. Every tweet you throw into the Twitterverse is like a stone cast into a pond. Some disappear, but some others cause positive ripples. Just as a matrimonial advertisement has often been touted in India as one for “wider choice,“ Twitter throws up chances for a “wider choice“ of people who can strike the right chords of empathy. The catch is that Twitter is about what you say, and like Facebook, may involve “projected selves“ than real ones. But then, false calls of the kind based on projections can be as probable in real life. Love marriages can fall apart after years, while matrimonial ads in online dating sites can lead to long lasting, fulfilling relationships. Twitter or Facebook need not be any different. In fact, Twitter is about conversations, often in real time. In Internet chat rooms, people often take up “avatars“ or pseudonyms, lie about themselves and may be living out their fantasies. But on Twitter, most people let others know who they are -more or less -barring a few with “protected tweets“ that can be read only with permission. Tweeting, is a spontaneous act,where through tone, tenor, grammar or exclamations, we reveal our real selves and could form a stronger ground for friendship. For the “non-verbal“ kind, Twitter may be limited to sharing pictures on Twitpic.com -but even that could kindled shared interests in viewing the world in a certain way. Naysayers who argue about the limits of online friendships need look no further than the boom in online matrimonial sites. There is a big question: what if a real person is different from the one you see on Twitter? The possibility exists, but in real life too, one may meet a person who turns out to be different later. There is nothing to beat a real-life friendship. But there is nothing to stop a Twitter conversation from becoming a real-life one. Direct, private messages on Twitter may yet help a tweeter get to know another one better. Like in real life, disappointments may ensure. Like in life, a wonderful friendship can also unfold. The writer Satbir Singh's Twitter bio reads: “Managing Partner & CCO Euro RSCG India. The views are my own. Sometimes, those of the whisky I've been having.“ Follow him @thesatbir Just the other day, a person approached me in a bar, arm outstretched. “Satbir? Hi, we're Facebook friends.“ I had to believe him. I have 1,200, you see. And, another 1,925 on Twitter who follow me, apart from the 800 that I do. I'm also LinkedIn with a few hundred professionals. Fortunately, I lost my Orkut password before I could get active. Honest. So, when you compare these 5,000 ladies and gents to the five I regularly meet, serious questions arise: am I a loner staring into Apple screens of varying sizes? Don't flesh and blood people like me? What, most importantly, is my average internet bill? Online relationships (I prefer Twitter's `follower' to FB's `friend'), do imitate some real life characteristics. To be fair, quite a few are, well, fair. You'll know we lost a late night match immediately before the papers tell you the day after after. If someone needs blood, it'll reach a million within minutes. I once tried raising money for a couple of drinks. Within a half hour, about Rs 47 were pledged. However, mostly, these seem to be degenerating into free media for venting. Everyone's angry about something: the politics, traffic, powercuts, cricket, cricket lovers, the crow that wakes you up at 5. Someone was angry about babies in public places (I'm guessing she was born an adult). The other everyone's ready with wisdom: for the PM, the opposition, Dhoni, CBI, RBI, Obama. That leaves everyone. They're currently making fun of authors, celebs, cricketers, newscasters. Poonam Pandey (she needs encouragement though).Where is the friendship bit? Where is the networking part? And why is it becoming more antisocial than social? A friend had an interesting point to make. Most online friends he met personally post some pretty engaging conversations turned out be, umm, not really that engaging. I'd say that's probably because you end up constructing exaggerated images that have no hope in hell of coming true. Unlike in real life where you judge your friends less harshly. There's something about being in a car alone, with the windows up and music blaring, that gets perfectly polite people to dig their noses like early prospectors. In full public view. That's quite what the anonymity of your keyboard does to even the most reserved person. We've turned into exhibitionists, posturers, megalomaniacs out to grab our few seconds of approval. Used to be a time when you lost sleep when you were in love (before ill-prepared exams too, but that's another story). Now your sleeping hours are sacrificed for checking how many people, most of whom you've never met and probably never will, have liked your status and retweeted your tweets. You are more likely to comment, when in a meeting, on someone's status update than respond to a text from home (but I was in a meeting, honey). One-on-one conversation is increasingly taking the backseat if you have an option of a one-oneveryone. Chances are, you'll broadcast your promotion to the world before you call your mom. Public, impersonal relationships score higher on grandstanding. 53 likes are replacing dad's “well-done, son.“ Speaking of which, tear-jerking odes to a mother on her day are no longer heard in a phonecall to her. They're plastered on FB updates. It is no longer impolite to butt into someone's conversation. It is not uncommon to see friends pissing over each other on their walls either. The anxieties and envy online mimic those of the physical world. Virtual friendlists mein har koi friend nahin hota. Aur har koi zaroori bhi nahin hota. The world is now a massively-connected online kitty party. And you're invited to gossip, bitch, show off your new acquisitions. Having said that, one cannot argue the fact that my bio ascribes over 22,000 tweets to me. That's the point. Having typed over three million characters on Twitter alone, one has learnt that :) cannot replace a smile on the other side of a coffee mug. And that ({}) is best experienced in person with loud thumps on the back.

Photographer...

Believe it or not...

Pushp Ki Abhilasha

This poem takes me back to my childhood. I remember learning it by heart (and later teaching my daughters too) and somehow till today can recite it (almost) fully.


पुष्प की अभिलाषा


चाह नहीं मैं सुरबाला के
गहनों में गूँथा जाऊँ
चाह नहीं, प्रेमी-माला में
बिंध प्यारी को ललचाऊँ
चाह नहीं, सम्राटों के शव
पर हे हरि, डाला जाऊँ
चाह नहीं, देवों के सिर पर
चढ़ूँ भाग्य पर इठलाऊँ
मुझे तोड़ लेना वनमाली
उस पथ पर देना तुम फेंक
मातृभूमि पर शीश चढ़ाने
जिस पर जावें वीर अनेक ।।
                  ... माखनलाल चतुर्वेदी

Jo Beet Gayi so Baat Gayi

जो बीत गई सो बात गई

जीवन में एक सितारा था
माना वह बेहद प्यारा था
वह डूब गया तो डूब गया
अंबर के आंगन को देखो
कितने इसके तारे टूटे
कितने इसके प्यारे छूटे
जो छूट गए फ़िर कहाँ मिले
पर बोलो टूटे तारों पर
कब अंबर शोक मनाता है
जो बीत गई सो बात गई

जीवन में वह था एक कुसुम
थे उस पर नित्य निछावर तुम
वह सूख गया तो सूख गया
मधुबन की छाती को देखो
सूखी कितनी इसकी कलियाँ
मुरझाईं कितनी वल्लरियाँ
जो मुरझाईं फ़िर कहाँ खिलीं
पर बोलो सूखे फूलों पर
कब मधुबन शोर मचाता है
जो बीत गई सो बात गई

जीवन में मधु का प्याला था
तुमने तन मन दे डाला था
वह टूट गया तो टूट गया
मदिरालय का आंगन देखो
कितने प्याले हिल जाते हैं
गिर मिट्टी में मिल जाते हैं
जो गिरते हैं कब उठते हैं
पर बोलो टूटे प्यालों पर
कब मदिरालय पछताता है
जो बीत गई सो बात गई

मृदु मिट्टी के बने हुए हैं
मधु घट फूटा ही करते हैं
लघु जीवन ले कर आए हैं
प्याले टूटा ही करते हैं
फ़िर भी मदिरालय के अन्दर
मधु के घट हैं,मधु प्याले हैं
जो मादकता के मारे हैं
वे मधु लूटा ही करते हैं
वह कच्चा पीने वाला है
जिसकी ममता घट प्यालों पर
जो सच्चे मधु से जला हुआ
कब रोता है चिल्लाता है
जो बीत गई सो बात गई

                                                  ...  हरिवंशराय बच्चन

Is Par-Us Par

Today is Hindi Diwas. One of my favourite Hindi poems.

This is a very famous poem of Harivansh Rai Bachchan. We know nothing about where we go after death. The poet here expresses his apprehensions about the unfamiliar turf where one would find himself after the death and looks with a certain degree of nostalgia, about the familiarity of this world and the soothing company of the beloved that is sure to be lost as one meets death. 

 

Unbelievable Bond...

Bag of Potatoes

One of my teachers had each one of us bring a clear plastic bag and a sack of potatoes. For every person we'd refuse to forgive in our life experience, we were told to choose a potato, write on it the name and date, and put it in the plastic bag. Some of our bags, as you can imagine were quite heavy.

We were then told to carry this bag with us everywhere for a week, putting it beside our bed at night, on the car seat while driving, next to our desk at work. The hassle of lugging this around with us made it clear what a weight we were carrying spiritually, and how we had to pay attention to it all the time to not forget, and keep leaving it in embarrassing places.

Naturally, the condition of the potatoes deteriorated to a nasty slime. This was a great metaphor for the price we pay for keeping our pain and heavy negativity! So the next time you decide you cant forgive someone, ask yourself...isn’t your bag heavy enough?

Algebra

A for effort

Who I Am Makes a Difference

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in High school by telling them the difference they each made. She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told each of them how they had made a difference to her and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters, which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."

Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community. She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like you to go out find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened."

Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, a being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss's jacket above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people."

That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine. He thinks I'm a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says: "Who I Am Makes a Difference, on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor you. My days are really hectic and when I come home I don't pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You're a great kid and I love you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn't stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a letter to you and Mom explaining why I had killed myself and asking you to forgive me. I was going to commit suicide tonight after you were asleep. I just didn't think that you cared at all. The letter is upstairs. I don't think I need it after all." His father walked upstairs and found a heartfelt letter full of anguish and pain. The envelope was addressed, "Mom and Dad".

The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch but made sure to let all his employees know that they made a difference. The junior executive helped several other young people with career planning and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference in his life...one being the boss's son. And the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson. 

Who you are DOES make difference. Remember that!